Vicious Cycle!

I've been trying to look up new healthy recipes. You know, dinners I can eat and not feel horrible after. Yeah, that would be nice. I struggle at dinner....and lately I've been struggling all day. I often feel like once I start the day off eating crap, I might as well eat crap ALL. DAY. LONG. Bad idea! Let me tell you what that boils down to.....your sweat pants fitting tight, and feeling winded after just going up the steps! NOT COOL.

I'm pretty sick and tired of feeling this way. So change it right? I think I've been down this road sooooooooo many times. Drew turned 9 months old yesterday, and I look worse now than I did right when he was born! Again, NOT COOL. My neighbor down the street went on nutrisystem and has lost 4o pounds in 2 months. Sounds awesome right? Well, 1. It's so expensive! $229 for one month! I can't swing that AND still grocery shop for the hubs and kids. 2. I don't trust myself after I stop eating their food. I may be crazy....but I KNOW I can't hold back with certain things and I just don't think that diet would teach me anything? Anyone had any success with it? I think the moral of the story is.....you have to change your life. Change your choices, eat healthier, burn more calories than you take in. Yeah, so I know WHAT to do, I just have to actually DO IT!. 

You hit a point, where you are just so sick of the same old crap. That's me. I'm tired of people seeing me fail, I'm tired of failing myself. I know I would feel better, look better, and have tons more energy, if I would just make the change! 

Everyday about this time my eyelids get soooo heavy, and I just want to sleep! Part of that is because my youngest son still doesn't sleep all night, so we haven't slept a full night in 9 months....but the other part is that I fill my body with crap on a daily basis....and let's face it, crap makes you lazy, sluggish, tired. So I do this to myself! WHY??? I know the problem, why do I not have enough initiative to fix it?!?! This frustrates me so much. At night when I go to bed, and feel horrible about what I ate all day....I think...."I hate this" tomorrow is the day! I'm going to stop this! Truth is, it's a vicious cycle. I need to lose weight so I'm depressed....I eat because I'm depressed and want to lose weight....I get depressed that my house is so dirty, yet I have no energy to clean it...because I eat crap, and I'm too tired at the end of the day because I'm depressed?? That about sums it up! lol.   

This is so hard for me. I've always loved clothes, hair, makeup. I'm from the country....but I like my girly girl stuff mixed in there! So for me not to be able to wear what I love, and look the way I used to....really gets me. I feel like I lost "me" somewhere about 60 pounds ago. I am tired of going places and feeling so self conscious all the time. Looking at others wondering "is that how I look" and I'm ashamed to say it but I often feel a sense of relief if I see someone in the same room who is bigger than me! Tired of looking at others and seeing their success. Tired of wanting a quick fix.

So, now that I've gotten through such a happy post today....I think I'll go pin some skinny recipes!