Wow. Sometimes that is all I can say. Since March, I have become a full time stay at home mom. I love love love it more than ever.....but wow. I feel like I don't have a second to breathe alone sometimes. There are those moments when I seriously feel like I'm going to scream! I've been at home for four years but watched other children....and it wasn't just my boys and I until recently. Let me say again I DO LOVE IT.....but it definitely gives me a lot of stress sometimes!
All the glorified images I had of my house being spotless, every corner was dusted, every inch of the house being in order.....yeah that DOESN'T happen. Instead, I feel like I clean up the same crap 375,000 times a day! Why do I feel like that? Ummm because it's true! I'm trying really hard not to stress over that part of the deal. But, I do sometimes feel that if I don't get a big project done during the day, that it's a bad day. With a 4 year old, and a 1 year old.....it's hard to get a lot done, whether you're home 40 hours a week or 4 hours a week. That's just the way it is I guess. I try to do as much as I can while Drew takes a nap.
The things I love about being at home, are of course the obvious....staying with my boys. But, I also like being able to leave the house during the day! That hasn't happened in 4 years! I can grocery shop when only the old people are out....and I mean older than me (I'm 30 now ya know lol) We have been going to the park, having play dates, all the fun things we were never able to do before and I love that. I'm learning that the mess will still be here when I get home from the park.....I'll pick it up then, and then probably 15 more times before bedtime as well, and that's ok. I love not needing to be in a certain place at a certain time. If the boys want to sleep in a little bit....whatev. We got nothin but time! But there are a few little things about staying at home, that I need to get used to.
When I first started this stay at home stuff.....Mine and Cole's relationship suffered a lot. He was bored, as was I. He went from being around kids, and going to part time preschool to.....being with Mom and baby brother all day everyday. He would act out, talk back (more than usual) and I was constantly screaming at him it felt like. I prayed and prayed at night for me to be better at dealing with him. About a week ago, I just started trying to calm down and when he was acting out, instead of yelling at him, I just gave him more positive attention. As corny as it sounds, giving him a hug or playing with just him. And so far, it has worked. He's become much more loving towards me, and he only has moments where his behavior is out of control instead of days. Thank goodness! I'm really enjoying not feeling like the bad guy all the time. He even chose me over Grammy the other day. Grammy told me her heart was breaking, but I was trying to hold back a smile! lol. Terrible, I know.
I am having a bit of a hard time with not making any money to contribute to our family. I thought I would handle that great, but I'm really not. I find myself feeling guilty if I spend anything. My hubs is absolutely wonderful, and none of these feelings are coming from him whatsoever. I just feel like kind of a deadbeat. lol There are days when I am fine with it, and then there are days like today, when I go get my hair done and feel absolutely horrible for spending money on that. These are all things we will just need to work on in time. Right now, it's still one day at a time, and one different train wreck of emotions each day.
But, would I rather leave my kids and go to work each day? Absoulutely not. I know there are tons of working mothers, and I give them props. I don't know that I could handle working outside the home, and taking care of a house and kids. I know there are also moms that say, staying at home isn't for them. That's ok too. That's what makes this world go round! Different strokes for different folks, right? lol. As for me, I love staying at home....just need a little more time to work out the kinks! We'll get there!
Now we get to do things like doughnut dates for breakfast. :)